Monday, February 24

"Your poor husband..."

Can I just go on record and say I am SO TIRED of hearing this?! Family, friends and strangers alike have hurled this phrase at me. It never fails that when I am on an outing with my 4 little girls, at least 2 or 3 people feel the need to say this to me. Why? What makes my husband someone to be pitied? What makes anyone think this is OK to say, especially in front of my girls? What type of message does this send to a child, to insinuate that they are some sort of a disappointment to their father simply because they are lacking a penis?

After the twins were born, I tried to let it roll off of me. I get it, society thinks every mom wants a daughter and every dad wants a son. Perhaps some, or even most, do. Maybe the vast majority's idea of a "perfect family" is one with a son (no doubt the first born), a daughter, and a well behaved Golden Retriever. Fine. I figured the comments would stop eventually. When I got pregnant with #4, everyone assumed I (and more specifically, my husband) was hoping for a boy. I expected that. What I didn't anticipate is that complete strangers would be so distraught when I announced that it was another girl. What difference does it make to them? Why is it so undesirable to have a crew of girls, or boys for that matter? I have officially hit my breaking point and I am no longer polite to these people, well-meaning as they may be. Now when I get this comment, I give them a piece of my mind. First and foremost, I use a phrase I learned when people asked if my twins were "natural" or not. "Why do you ask/say that?" Luckily, this gets the point across to most people. However, there are still a few that press on and insist that living in a house full of girls is something to be upset about. To these people, I say that there is nothing upsetting about having 4 little girls that absolutely worship their daddy. 4 little girls that run to the door, arms wide open, the second he walks in. 4 little girls that crawl into his lap with a book. 4 little girls that love to snuggle in (as they call it) "daddy's big girl bed". My husband tells anyone that asks that he wouldn't have it any other way. He knows how very lucky he is, and how special the bond between a father and daughter is.

Certainly, he has fears about raising 4 daughters, but I can assure you none of them have anything to do with hormones or boyfriends or makeup or (gasp) paying for 4 weddings. His fears for his daughters are that much of society still views women as a lesser sex... that some people cannot accept that a woman can be just as smart, accomplished or athletic as a man, or cannot accept that a woman can, in fact, be all 3 of these things at the same time... that a relationship between a father and daughter cannot be just as fulfilling as that between a father and son.

D and I are working our hardest to raise strong, smart, independent girls that know without a doubt that they can conquer the world. We do not determine their value based on the sex organs they have, and neither should anyone else. When we look into each of our girls' eyes, we do not feel sadness or disappointment, but rather pride and unconditional love. So, random stranger in the grocery store, please keep the "poor husband" comments to yourself, especially when little ears are listening. Oh, and you can take that "perfect family" image and shove it, because we have our perfect family right here.


  1. YES YES YES! I get so sick of people thinking that my twin boys are somehow a disappointment to me or more desirable to my husband than girls would have been. So many times I've heard, " Too bad you didn't have one of each; then you'd be done." Who's to say that I'm not done with my two boys? Or that if we had a boy and a girl that we wouldn't have more? Or that if we do have another that we want a girl? So frustrating, but more awful that people say these things in front of your children.

  2. Love this blog! I hear the poor you (referring to me) for having 3 boys! And let me tell you the comment of are you trying again for a girl really gets under my skin. God blessed my husband and myself with healthy children and that is all I am concerned about. Thanks for sharing your view also!!! Bless your family!!

  3. I was the oldest of 4 girls!! Well I am still the oldest but 2 boys were added when I was a teenager. I HATED when people said they felt bad for my dad, it definitely made me feel like I was less of a person. My dad was always quick to defend though. His number 1 response "Well at least I know I will be taken care of in my old age, and not just thrown in a "home"!" and my dad has his own construction business, so everyone always wanted to know just who exactly he was going to leave his business to?? as if a GIRL can't work in the construction field! Well we spent summers working for him and we used to fight about who was going to take over lol. I think the most hurtful things were said after my parents did have a boy, people really need to learn to think before they speak!! We were 13, 9, 7 and 5 when my first brother was born and some people sure made all 4 of us feel pretty worthless!

    1. Sarah, I am so sorry that people made you feel that way, and that is exactly what I am trying to shield my girls from. It's frustrating to spend so much time building them up only to have their confidence and self worth crushed by someone that doesn't even know them. Logically, I know that most people don't mean to be offensive with their statements, but that doesn't make it OK. Kids take stuff in and internalize it.

  4. As a "poor husband" I try to laugh it off, but you're right. My girls are the best and I wouldn't have it any other way.

  5. Thanks everyone! I really enjoy reading your comments, because everyone's perspective is a little bit different, but still adds something valuable to the discussion!