Update

Just a few weeks after my commitment to healthier eating, I am happy to report that I actually am seeing improvements in the twins' behavior! Hallelujah! I have cooked real food every single night, and nearly all of it has been organic. We have also purchased a pig as well as a side of beef, so in a few weeks we will have a freezer full of fresh, hormone/antibiotic free, local meat. We have purchased a pig about every 6 months since we moved to Como, but this is our first round with the cow. It is grass fed and grass finished (which I didn't even know was a thing) and I am really excited!

In other exciting news, we have visitors coming tonight! Granny and Papa are driving up from FL as we speak. I can't wait to see them! If the weather is nice next week, we are planning to have a few outings, including a day trip to St Louis. It should be a lot of fun!

I have become the mom I always judged...

When I was younger, before I ever had kids, I worked in a preschool. I silently judged many of the moms. Specifically the stay at home moms that dropped their little one off and bounced out the door for their day at the gym, the spa, the mall, or whatever else they might be doing. It never made any sense to me, that a stay at home mom would pay someone to watch her kids. What did she do while they were gone? And to find out that the same mom also had a housekeeper--my brain nearly exploded. I mean, how lazy can someone get?!

Fast forward 10 or so years and I am starting to get it. Every Tuesday and Thursday morning, I drop my twins off for 4 hours of preschool. 4 hours of blissful, (mostly) quiet time. 4 hours that I can utilize to go to the grocery store with only one kid in tow, catch up on laundry, go to the doctor, or perhaps take a quick nap. I need these 4 hours to maintain my sanity. I love all of my girls, but I do need a little break from time to time. And besides that, they desperately needed the socialization!

Not only have I shipped my kids off to preschool, I have also paid someone to clean and organize my house. When I still had approximately 40 unopened boxes in the garage a year after we moved, I knew I needed to call in a pro. I am SO glad I did. And the cleaning, oh god, the cleaning... It never ends! I can clean the house floor to ceiling, but 5 minutes later, it is a wreck again. It never ends. I'm happy to let someone else tackle it every once in a while. Go ahead, call me lazy.

Other things I would "never" do:

Bribe my kids. Ha! That's an almost daily occurrence here...

Let my baby have a pacifier past 1 year. Avery was well over 2 when we finally got hers pried out of her mouth, and the twins were around 18 months. No clue when we will take Maren's but it won't be anytime soon...

Let my appearance slack. Doesn't everyone want to be the mom that looks put together every second of every day? Sure, but who actually has time for that shit?

Lose myself in my kids' lives. Sadly, this has happened. I feel like I no longer have an identity outside "That mom with peanut butter on her shirt and spit up in her hair." Most of my day is spent running kids to their various activities, and I haven't made any time to explore my own interests. I am trying to change this, though.

Have a child that has to be practically dragged out of a store/restaurant/other public place. Yeah, this one is completely unavoidable with twin toddlers. My own personal hell was served up to me last summer when I dropped Avery off at art camp and Elizabeth realllllly wanted to stay. It took me 45 minutes to get her out of the building. I mean, what can you really do when you have another toddler and you are also carrying a newborn? It was terrible. I was hoping a kind stranger would take pity on me and hold the baby while I wrangled the angry twin, but no such luck. And I won't even tell you how long it took to get her through the parking lot and into the car.

Let my kid eat/drink xyz... Ugh, yeah. My kids have gone through such extreme hunger strikes that I would let them eat practically anything they wanted. Things I should be ashamed of. But, guess what? I'm not!

Sadly, there are so many more things I judged other moms for. I feel so silly looking back at it now. I try to give everyone the benefit of the doubt now and realize that most of us are doing the best we can. Some days are better than others. I'm sure I have been judged many times, with many more to come. But it never fails that the ones who judge most harshly are those that don't have a clue what it is like to walk in our shoes...


Were you a parenting critic before you had kids? What did you judge most harshly?

Avery's first sleepover

I dropped Avery off for her first sleepover this afternoon. I had to fight back tears as she ran off excitedly. I had to coax her back to give me a hug! How is it possible that this day has already come? I swear she was JUST born! I don't think I will be getting any sleep tonight...

I hope she has fun. She deserves to be away from whiny little sisters for a night. But, geez, I feel lost without her! She is my little sidekick! I guess I better get used to it, though. It might be the first but won't be the last!

Since I am feeling all sentimental, let's take a look back at little baby Ry...

Getting back on track...

The last month has really run me down... With all of Avery's activities (dance, Girl Scouts, CrossFit, gymnastics, horseback riding), I feel like I am always in a rush. Couple that with the stress of moving the twins to "big girl beds" (more on that later) and the fact that I am still waking Maren at night in an attempt to pack some pounds on her, and I am just about ready to pull my hair out!

In all my stress, I have developed some pretty bad habits. More often than not, I have been buying convenience foods because, well, when the hell do I have time to cook?! The twins have gone through a pretty significant personality change, and I honestly wonder if some of it is food related... So I made a commitment to get back on track with healthier eating. I went to the store on Tuesday and purchased only single ingredient foods... So far so good!

I hope that getting our diets under control will help all of us. I need to get back into a cooking routine. We need to make more of an effort to sit and eat together as a family--even if it's at 5:00 because we have other obligations in the evening. I am starting school in 2 weeks, so hopefully I will be able to keep it together. I KNOW I can do better for my kids than I have been. I can do better for myself. I will do better.

As I mentioned earlier, we moved the twins to big girl beds about a month ago. I resisted for a long time, but I finally did it to shut D up. What.A.Mistake. Seriously, my well behaved 2 year olds have turned into complete hellions! They spend more time crying than not. They fight. They are becoming violent. What the hell?!

Initially, they were terrified on the beds. Would not go near them. I could get them to fall asleep in them occasionally, but only if I laid with them for 3 hours, and that just isn't realistic. Plus, they would wake up in the middle of the night and scream. So they said they wanted to sleep in the floor. Fine. Knock yourself out, kids. All was fine for about a week... Then the real trouble started...

Naps have become nonexistent. They refuse. Probably because they ripped down their black out curtains and now it is too bright in their room. Then they discovered that if they work together, they can accomplish destruction that nobody ever thought possible. They remove the sheets and blankets and then they actually MOVE THE MATTRESSES! Initially, they just pulled them onto the floor, but then they figured out if they prop them up at an angle, they can use them as slides. Ughhhhh. They do this every single day at nap time. And every day I clean it up.

Their room is totally destroyed, and I am on the brink of an emotional breakdown. I have tried everything I can think of. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, bribery, threats, cutting out nap, earlier bed time, later bed time... They don't care about any of it. So I feel like a total failure of a mom. I just want my sweet babies back.

So, please, somebody tell me that satan laces boxed dinners with hellion dust and that my kids will return to normal now that I am making the time to consistently cook nutritious meals?!? A girl can hope, right?

"Your poor husband..."

Can I just go on record and say I am SO TIRED of hearing this?! Family, friends and strangers alike have hurled this phrase at me. It never fails that when I am on an outing with my 4 little girls, at least 2 or 3 people feel the need to say this to me. Why? What makes my husband someone to be pitied? What makes anyone think this is OK to say, especially in front of my girls? What type of message does this send to a child, to insinuate that they are some sort of a disappointment to their father simply because they are lacking a penis?

After the twins were born, I tried to let it roll off of me. I get it, society thinks every mom wants a daughter and every dad wants a son. Perhaps some, or even most, do. Maybe the vast majority's idea of a "perfect family" is one with a son (no doubt the first born), a daughter, and a well behaved Golden Retriever. Fine. I figured the comments would stop eventually. When I got pregnant with #4, everyone assumed I (and more specifically, my husband) was hoping for a boy. I expected that. What I didn't anticipate is that complete strangers would be so distraught when I announced that it was another girl. What difference does it make to them? Why is it so undesirable to have a crew of girls, or boys for that matter? I have officially hit my breaking point and I am no longer polite to these people, well-meaning as they may be. Now when I get this comment, I give them a piece of my mind. First and foremost, I use a phrase I learned when people asked if my twins were "natural" or not. "Why do you ask/say that?" Luckily, this gets the point across to most people. However, there are still a few that press on and insist that living in a house full of girls is something to be upset about. To these people, I say that there is nothing upsetting about having 4 little girls that absolutely worship their daddy. 4 little girls that run to the door, arms wide open, the second he walks in. 4 little girls that crawl into his lap with a book. 4 little girls that love to snuggle in (as they call it) "daddy's big girl bed". My husband tells anyone that asks that he wouldn't have it any other way. He knows how very lucky he is, and how special the bond between a father and daughter is.

Certainly, he has fears about raising 4 daughters, but I can assure you none of them have anything to do with hormones or boyfriends or makeup or (gasp) paying for 4 weddings. His fears for his daughters are that much of society still views women as a lesser sex... that some people cannot accept that a woman can be just as smart, accomplished or athletic as a man, or cannot accept that a woman can, in fact, be all 3 of these things at the same time... that a relationship between a father and daughter cannot be just as fulfilling as that between a father and son.

D and I are working our hardest to raise strong, smart, independent girls that know without a doubt that they can conquer the world. We do not determine their value based on the sex organs they have, and neither should anyone else. When we look into each of our girls' eyes, we do not feel sadness or disappointment, but rather pride and unconditional love. So, random stranger in the grocery store, please keep the "poor husband" comments to yourself, especially when little ears are listening. Oh, and you can take that "perfect family" image and shove it, because we have our perfect family right here.

Hello again!

The final months of 2013 were quite a whirlwind! We followed our Tigers to Atlanta for the SEC championship (a tough loss) and had quite an adventure! We ended up leaving right after the game because the twins picked up a nasty stomach virus. We drove 12 hours overnight in an ice storm while the twins vomited their guts up in the backseat. Fun. At least I can check that one off my bucket list...

My mom and nephew came to visit for Christmas, which was really nice. Santa spoiled all the kids rotten! Unfortunately, it wasn't a white Christmas, but we made the best of it.

After the New Year, we traveled to Dallas for the Cotton Bowl, and this time we left with a win! Mizzou finished the season at #5! So proud of them and thankful that we got to experience this season. Avery had a blast going to all of the games...

Everyone is doing well. Avery just turned 8, and I will be taking her to the American Girl store this weekend to celebrate. We were supposed to go on her birthday, but make and record cold temps (-40 wind chill!!) set in, so we had to take a rain check.

The twins are a mess, as always. They are talking more and more! They crack me up on a daily basis.

Maren just turned 8 months. She has been crawling for almost a month now--definitely my earliest crawler! I sure wish she would slow down...

Hopefully I will get back in the swing of things with the blog soon...

My thoughts on breastfeeding

I never had any intentions of breastfeeding my children. When I was pregnant with my first, I was very young, and the idea of it honestly kind of freaked me out. I mean, who wants sore, cracked, bleeding nipples? I was somewhat relieved when my Dr told me I should not attempt it due to the fact that I lost so much blood during birth that I nearly died. Additionally, I was so severely malnourished that I needed all of my calories for me.

Along came the twins, and the thought never even crossed my mind. How could I breastfeed 2 babies, all while working full time? Plus, Avery was happy and healthy on formula and the twins would be too.

When I got pregnant with Maren, I always assumed I would bottle feed. I just honestly didn't have the desire to breastfeed and found all of the "lactivists" to be very annoying. But on the day of my scheduled C-section, a nurse (Susan) came into my room. She told me that she was responsible for coordinating "skin to skin" time after birth, and she asked me if I intended to breastfeed. I knew that she would silently judge me if I said no, so I (perhaps a little too enthusiastically) exclaimed "YES!" The look on my husbands face was priceless. He was absolutely shocked, since all we had talked about was formula. Hell, I had already stocked up on it! When Susan left the room I told him that I had only said it out of fear of judgement, and that formula feeding was still my true intention.

After my c-section, I was able to snuggle my little lady close to me while they sewed me up. Later, in the recovery room, the moment of truth came. It was time to put my baby to the breast. Susan was there to guide me and exclaimed excitedly "She has the perfect latch!!" I thought, sure lady, you tell everyone that. Tomorrow I will be rubbed raw and crying... But I wasn't. Not the next day, or the day after that, or even 2 weeks later! She really did have the perfect latch! I was astounded. 5 months later and I haven't had a moment of pain, nor has my baby had a drop of formula.

I can't say that my bond is any stronger with Maren (don't believe the hype) but I can say that I love not having to wash bottles! I also love having a free hand during feedings so that I can stroke her face or allow her to grip my thumb (so she doesn't scratch the crap out of me).

Never did I think that I would be bold enough to nurse in public, either. But I have surprised myself by whipping it out any and everywhere without a second thought... I've breastfeed in front of just about everyone I know as well as complete strangers in grocery stores, restaurants, and even walking around the Farmer's Market! Suddenly it doesn't feel so strange anymore.

I'm far from a lactivist though. I'm a firm believer that as long as you feed your child you are doing great! And my experience hasn't been completely without struggle--we've had some weight gain issues and, more recently, some supply issues. I'm not stressing out about whether I will make it to 6 months or a year or whatever other arbitrary number is out there. I will simply continue to breastfeed as long as it feels "right". Who knows how long that will be?

I can't say that I would go back and change anything with my other children, because I wouldn't. Formula feeding worked for us and I don't feel like I screwed them up or missed out on anything. But I AM glad that I gave it a shot with Maren. It has been a great experience and I certainly wouldn't have changed it.

If you are struggling with the decision of whether or not to breastfeed, all I can say is to do what feels right for you and your family. You really can't make the wrong choice.